Maria* is a grandmother with a broken heart.
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Her son and daughter-in-law have restricted access to her two much-loved grandchildren to such an extent that at Easter she was only allowed five minutes with them outside their home so she could hand over chocolate bunnies and other gifts.
It's been two years since she had any major contact with the now three and seven-year-olds.
Visits for special occasions are often met with a torrent of abuse and a door slammed in her face.
"I don't think I should be denied seeing my beautiful grandchildren," said Maria. "I want to be part of their lives, I want to see them grow up and for them to know how much I love them."
Maria doesn't know what has caused the estrangement but the pensioner from Ballarat is confused, and sad and describes herself as "vulnerable and broken".
She's not alone, her partner David* is not allowed to see his grandchildren either and has been left hurt and despondent and the web is littered with support groups of other desperate grandparents also denied access to their children's children.
It's called grandparent alienation and in Australia, it's a growing phenomenon with possibly thousands of older people barred from having regular contact with their grandchildren. In some cases it's no contact at all, even cards and gifts are returned by estranged adult children.
The exact number of people affected by grandparent alienation is unknown, as for many it is a sensitive subject, but according to seniors' advocates, it is a growing form of elder abuse for which little can be done.
For Maria and David, it's just another example of society's discardment of older people.
Grandparent alienation can come about through the breakdown of the relationship between grandparents and the parents of their grandchildren - usually their adult children. It may also occur when a relationship between an adult child and their spouse breaks down and the custodial parent denies the grandparents access to their grandchildren.
Michael's story
Michael* is a 66-year-old aged care worker from Brisbane who hasn't seen his three grandchildren now aged 8, 10 and 13, for nearly three years. The last time he had contact was about 18 months after his adult son died of cancer.
"I had a good relationship with my son and his wife and would spend quite a bit of time with the kids, babysitting and taking them to the beach and the park, but that sort of fizzled out after he (son) passed away and she started a relationship with another man.
"I understand it was very hard for her but the children need their granddad. I used to send them presents and a few times they were returned. Now they've moved away and I don't know where. I admit I've given up hope of ever being in their lives."
Under Australian law, grandparents have no automatic rights to have a relationship with a grandchild. However, they may apply to the Family Court for a parenting order to allow them access.
But this process is stressful and prohibitively expensive and there are no guarantees the court will find in favour of the grandparents as it is always the rights of the child which are paramount.
The Family Law Act also requires people to try dispute resolution and mediation with a qualified and independent person.
Maria tried mediation but her son and daughter-in-law failed to turn up to the meeting, leaving her with the only option of heading to the Family Court. This is financially impossible although Maria is considering representing herself.
Some grandparents are threatened with not seeing their grandchildren unless they give money to their adult children or pay bills, some are faced with emotional blackmail for example, "If you really loved your grandchildren you would move out of your home and let us live there", others are forced into a succession plan in favour of certain adult children with the threat of never again seeing their grandchildren.
According to the elder abuse action project, Compass, there are many possible causes of grandparent alienation.
How to find help
Nick Tebbey of Relationships Australia understands the overwhelming loss faced by older people barred from contact with their grandchildren.
Grandparent alienation reports have increased to the support service, which recognises it as elder abuse.
"It's a complex constellation of issues that can give rise to very real and raw emotional hurt," he said, though he urged caution around the use of the word "access".
"It's not a question of legal rights or one person's rights over another, it's a question of how these relationships are managed."
He said there had been an increase in cases of grandparent alienation reported to Relationships Australia but there was greater understanding of elder abuse.
"So we're seeing more people reaching out for help."
Mr Tebbey said the Family Law Act is about the rights of children so will look at relationships and contact grandchildren have in their lives. Grandparents can apply to be considered as one of those relationships.
"That does not come from a place of access but what is in the best interests of the children."
He said grandparents might consider counselling and strategies to help them come to terms with what is going on. "The one thing we see in all of this is it's incredibly complicated."
Relationships Australia provides a range of relationship services for older people.
Anyone needing help can contact the organisation on 1300-364-277, the Family Relationships Advice Line on 1800-050-321 or the National Elder Abuse helpline on 1800-628-221.
For more details, visit: www.compass.info (and search for 'grandparent alienation').
- Support is available for those who may be distressed. Phone Lifeline 13-11-14; Mensline, 1300-789-978; Kids Helpline, 1800-551-800; beyondblue, 1300-224-636; or 1800-RESPECT, 1800-737-732.
*Requested only their first names be used.